Life's just been... strange lately. Or not necessarily life, just me IN life.
Heehee, I wanted to make a post. I have a few that are private, because everyone needs to rant like uber crazy every once in awhile. But Meagzie inspired me, methinks. Because I read her post and then went to my two xangas. And I've been thinking about them lately. It's like, this log of our life. Of everything that happened, went on in our minds, our conversations, our fall outs, our make-ups... And I miss that. So even if everyone else doesn't come backkkk... Meagan spurred me into thinking about it.
I move to start making Xanger posts again. xD
Votes so far: Liz. xD

Anyways.
I really... don't feel like me lately. Whenever I think uber deeply into things like this, I start thinking it's selfish and self centered and a lot of other self words. But if you don't think about yourself and figure yourself out, you can't think about anyone else. Well, you can, but there's always this part missing, you know?
I feel like I've lost me. And just that thought makes me tear up... Ewww.
Like, just looking through my posts. I miss being happy a whole lot of the time, for no reason. And having all my cool random speechies and words and stuff. Because that mattered to me. It made me feel like me. And sometimes I still do, just at this moment I'm thinking of everything wrong more than the good things... Which is never good. But there ya have it.

Ugh. I'm blaming it on March. 
And I pretty much have been all month.
Not that all month has been like this... But ah. I've decided that overall, like, on default, March is not a very good month for me. For the past two years and now this year, just rawr. It's like, when a lot of bad things happen and even when they're not, anything bad and anything good just all build up and explode or crash down or squish me under their big butts.
o.O Because bad things+good things definitely have butts.
See, and then I feel bad 'cause I'm not giving March any credit. Like, the whole idea that believing something will make it true (Skeleton key! rofl anyway), so: "March is gonna be bad". And thus March is bad.

And then, the thing is, March is over tomorrow, and Sunday is a new month. Which I'm both happy about because I think everything's gonna be better and I'll be able to not be crazy and syko and bitchy at random time, and I'm kinda dreading... Not even dreading. Just scared of.
Because if things are still bad I won't have anywhere to place the blame except myself.

The most frustrating thing throughout all this is that everyone is so... Amazing. I mean, it's fantastico times 195717 that everyone is amazing! Because everyone's starting to meld into what they'll be, or always have been and can just now express it, or never knew that they could be and now they can. And that kind of liberation is spectacular. I mean, geeebus. My friends, every single one of them... I look at them and all I want is for them to be insanely happy. Or to hug them, or throw them a "YOURAMAZINGILOVEYOU" party, or whatever. It's beyond words. It's just this feeling I have, where... Ahhh. My friends are these incredible people that grace me and the world and the universe and gravity and such with their mere prescence.

And yet, as everyone starts to grow, I'm like, regressing. (Which is a word I like. xDD) I'm becoming less of who I want to be. And I have no idea how to fight it. Because at moments of weakness, I either want to to do something that expresses that weakness, but then want to NOT do it, because then I'm just falling back more...

It's basically a horribleterribleno-goodcycle.

On other hands. (Because I have more than two! Really!)

Spring Break started today! And Joey left at lunch. D= Ughhhh. And Meagan's leaving on Sunday. AUGHH. And Katie's still gone! RAWRRRRRRR.
I mean, the shweet thing about this break is I'ma gonna get to hang out with Lyxxie and Caitlyn and Katie hopefully a lot, and I'm really wanting to maybe hang out with Matt at least one of the days.
But I'm going to miss everyone else!! Whenever Joey and/or Meagan (and others, of course, but they's the example because they's be going to be gone) are gone, the sky is just incomplete. It's like, I've lost not only a few of my stars, but whole chunks of universe.
Which does make it all the better when they come home. ^-^ But I'm just going to miss them.

I really just feel like keeping on writing and writing and writing... It's like, at this moment, I don't want to hide anymore. Like, there are some things I'm okay with keeping in, because that's just how I deal with them better. But I feel like I haven't been honest with anyone lately... Which I have no idea if that has anything to do with being all BLAHMOOISUCK or not, but yeah.

I kinda go through these phases where I want to tell everyone my feelings and thoughts and what's going on, and that goes on for awhile, but then I start thinking that I shouldn't be troubling people anymore or taking up space in their mind and stuff, so I like keeping more stuff in.

Right now is a bout of honesty, I think.
Is bout a bad word, do you think? I dunno, like, I kinda think of 'bout' as a sickness, like, you have a bout of pneumonia or chicken pox or herpes.
Something.
But in this case it's not bad.
I think.

That paragraph had "I think" quite a few times.
Ima dork, much?

There's just a lot of stuff going on. I have a feeling that school's going to be getting kinda crazy when break is over, with different projects and papers and etcetcetcstuffrawr.
And people stuff. I just don't know what to do.

Mico came and visited on Wednesday!!! It was spectacular. We really didn't do a lot, and yet we did tons. Just seeing him was so... Yayyy. I hate that people move so often here... But the good thing is, when they come back. <3

I think I've just been thinking about the past a lot.
Last year seemed like really not a long time ago. From this point... I'm seeing 8th grade as my best year. Maybe our best year? I'm not sure. But I just felt so comfortable and GOOD with everyone. Not perfect. Could've been better. But everything is so vibrant about it.
And then, thinking about 7th grade. There are a lot of events or things that I don't necessarily remember... I mean, that regularly stick in my head. Bleh, lol. The more I think about it right now, the more I'm remembering and going all blah contradicty on myself. But I mean, I have to conciously think about it. And yet, a lot of my thoughts then or things I wrote on le xanger, I remember crazy uberly. Like, they're things that I feel like I've felt forever, and yet so new at the same time. It seems like the first time I thought them was two days ago. When it was more like two years ago.
I really want to have things be a bit more like they were. Not completely, because that's not going to happen... Butyeah.
I want to be less careful and more spontaneous. But not so spontaneous I lose all carefullness. Like, there's gotta be a midpoint.
Right?

Ughhh.
There's so much I feel like I'm leaving out. And then I feel rawrrrr because I'm leaving them out... I just wish I could be thinking about everything at one time without actually thinking. Like, have the awareness and ability to think about everyone and factor them in, but not the crazy AHHHPAINFUL THOUGHTS thinking. I just hate to think I'm forgetting anyone at any time... It's one of my worst feelings. I hate the feeling of forgetting. Of losing track... Losing touch... Losing time. Forgetting.

Jamezy. I love you. No matter what.

--I'm trying to figure things out. I'm sorry this has been super super super boring, and I hope you skipped around and found random words that really spelled out a message of I love you, dork. (Heheh, yay for bolding random words.)

And I miss Xanga.
<333
<33333
<3333333
Mucho hearts.
IF you can't tell.

<33333333333333

I'm feeling nervous, trying to be so perfect, 'cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it, yeah!
If I could say what I wanna say, I'd say I wanna blow you (away) be with you every night... Am I squeezing you too tight? If I could say what I wanna see, I want to see you go down (on one knee) Marry me today! Guess I'm wishing my life away-- With these things I'll never sayyyy.